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Bitch, Get Your Revenge

Posted in: Television
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ABC Resurrects The Prime Time Soap
In Dramatic, Sexy Fashion.

You may have heard about the sexy, and wickedly delicious new show steaming up Wednesday night primetime on ABC. In case you haven’t seen the posters and web ads featuring a cute blond (Emily VanCamp, Brothers & Sisters) in a black dress of thorns, or you haven’t heard any of the buzz from your friends or around the web, allow me to tell you what your mid-week TV schedule’s been missing:

BABES.

Revenge cast of babes

First and foremost. The whole entire cast is full of babes. Because if you’re going to sell a nighttime soap all those bitches better be prettier than pretty.

Of course, without question, our main character is a babe. Emily Thorne is girl next door cute; she has just the slightest lisp, and intense hazelnut eyes. She’s fit as a bamboo stick and wears her new money, high society wardrobe exquisitely. Show me a twenty-something middle-class working girl who wouldn’t love to be a size 4, with a closet full of Bloomingdale’s latest. Emily is the 2011 fantasy and she’s killing it. She’s inherited a fortune, she knows all the right people, she’s smart, and she knows how to get what she wants.  Too bad all she wants is revenge on the people who separated her from her father, ruining both their lives…but we’ll get to that.

The first male-babe up is the apparent object of Emily’s affections – and a major component in her plot for revenge – Daniel Grayson (Josh Bowman). For starters, check out the bod on that one, and those sweet brown eyes, and those lips – so expertly cared for. Somebody uses their blistex! Daniel is the rich (reformed) bad boy with a drinking problem. He genuinely wants to turn over a new leaf, and falling for Emily perfectly facilitates that. Daniel is charming, sweet, and trusting. He loves his family and is working to find himself, and make them proud.

Next is Jack Porter (Nick Wechsler). I’ve harbored crushies for Nick since he was onTeam Knight Rider (1997) and Roswell (1999) so imagine my #boner when I saw him on the pilot for Revenge, all rugged and manly with a wee bit facial scruff, and wearing plaid.Jack Porter is solid good guy. He’s family-oriented, grounded, and a just bit shy. He’s not about anything but keeping the family business up. Jack doesn’t feel entitled to anything, or even pressured to perform. He takes it all in stride, never really letting his feelings get the best of him. It’s that whole vibe of honorable, self sacrifice, mixed with that tan, those light eyes, and the slight gap in his teeth that’s really, really doing it for me.

Nolan Ross Has The Best Ties

Then there’s Nolan Ross (Gabriel Mann), the computer/tech guru who’s loyal to Emily out of gratitude to her father’s investment in his talent and business.Nolan is new money, and lonely. He doesn’t have real friends, and Emily only uses him for his IT skills to correct any inconvenient glitches in her plot. He gives me boners for his quirky, lurky, mannerisms, and his too-ridiculous-to-be-fashionable sense of style. I don’t agree with that hair, but it works in so far as it adds to the dorkiness and wannabe status of his character.

THE PREMISE

Back in the 90s David Clarke was framed by his neighbors and friends for funding a terrorist group responsible for a tragic plane crash. Along with her husband ConradVictoria Grayson, and others conspired and testified against David, ultimately securing his conviction. As a result of the betrayal David’s daughter, Amanda was sent to a juvenile detention center until her 18th birthday. By the time she was released her father had already died in prison. He kept a box of letters, serving as her “roadmap” to revenge against those that toppled their lives. With the money she inherited, and a little help from friends and mentors (who are introduced throughout the season) Amanda Clarke changed her name to Emily Thorne and changed her life to becoming the new it girl of the Hamptons, with a sweet smile and a philanthropic heart.

When her childhood home goes on the market, Emily wastes no time executing her plans for retribution. She makes an offer on the house and relocates to the Hamptons at the start of the summer. The show spends 42 minutes a week demonstrating that Emily Thorne is not the one to be fucked with. In just the first episode Emily, like a witch is able to cast suspicion in Victoria’s mind, with an innocent slip of the tongue. Thus begins the unraveling of the Grayson marriage, and family. With strategically timed and delivered truth bombs Emily launches the systemic destruction of every single person who had a hand in framing her father.

Oh, and nevermind that Jack Porter is crushing Emily Thorne heavy (while holding a flame for a girl named Amanda he once knew when he was just a boy). On top of all thatJack’s brother, Declan is crushing Daniel’s sister, CharlotteVictoria’s having none of that. But she barely has time to control Charlotte – what with her inner circle slowly evaporating, her husband cheating, her bodyguard going just a touch too far, and you know the standard guilt that comes with playing the game of “staying on top.” Queen Victoria’s world just might be falling apart, but you’d never know it. The bitch gives hella good face. And I mean, stone-cold-ice-queen-I-will-destroy-you hella good face. Her lines are always perfectly delivered. Her tone is airy with just enough edge, often accompanied by a smile that borders on sweet, but teeters closer to mocking. It’s like she enjoys it – the weight of her status, the fight to maintain it, the challenge to maintain control. Victoria is so busy keeping her shit together that every threat she dishes is an invitation to her next victim “try” her, and at the same time a reminder not to.

SOAP-SUDSIEST MOMENTS

A few weeks ago, to avoid being exposed, Emily diverted attention to Lydia – Victoria’s former BFF. The move prompted the Grayson’s loyal head of security, Frank, to confront Lydia at her NYC apartment. A fight ensues. (Best part of this show, and most ABC shows in general, is they don’t hold any punches. They’re not scared to go there…) After getting choked out by Frank, smarty pants Lydia runs up to the roof of her building (because, you know people can hear you in New York city, screaming from the roof of your penthouse…). Their altercation ends when Frank cold slaps her off the roof. I mean…it was a slap, not even a punch, not a push or a shove – a slap. And she went right over the edge and landed on a taxi cab. I can not. But I did, and I do it every week.

Post Originally Published: November 29th, 2011

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