I discovered the other night that what holds me back the most from meaningful and satisfying connections is admitting my own needs.
I need to feel loved. I need to feel chosen. I need to feel cherished, and wanted, and special.
I hate to need to feel any of those things because to need to feel adored and treasured, to need any sort of special validation from anyone else makes me feel weak.
I want to feel strong and confident and self sufficient and self validated and invincible and super powerful and divine – at all times. I want to be able to supply myself with that energy.
But what I and what I need are not so clear to me right now. Right now I’m doing all this self work. Oh god, I am self working beyond what is even reasonable.
I’m not drinking, so that immediately cuts out the coke, the 2 packs of Marlboros a week, all the random hook-ups, and those quick 12 to 16 hour respites from ‘reality’ every weekend.
I am here, sober, fucking wide awake in reality every moment that I am in fact awake. Fun!
I’ve also in under 30 days reconnected with two important people in my life, and it’s a fucking non stop trigger-cycle.
Because of how hard I’d previously loved them both and how completely unprepared I am to let myself feel for either of them at that level again, even though that’s absolutely literally all I want to do.
And it’s like dramatic and devastating and unbearable.
And I’m not drinking, or having any casual sex, and I’m going four-to-five whole days at a time without smoking cigarettes, and I’m watching my spending and doing situps and having leg day at the gym and writing, and going slightly crazy, and all at the same time what I am actually doing is feeling things I don’t want to feel.
And I can’t really get away from them; wanting to feel loved back so terribly that I ache, feeling pathetic for buckling at the chance to maybe not be rejected again this time, feeling weak for feeling anything.
I just need there to be something to this. Like there has to be some heavenly reward, but here on this plane. I want a fucking sticker, or a cookie, or a ribbon, or cake, or a real life bunny for my efforts at trying to understand myself and others.
I want compensation for my tears! (and an alternative to intoxication that doesn’t make me feel like I exist without skin)
As much of a persona as I put on and project I now know that deep down inside I have no control over my need for affection and protection and love.
I have seen my own bullshit and called my bluff and now I have to work from this place of need. Of feelings, and needs for means to fulfill them.
This is literally despair.