Breakthrough No. 3: Why Am I The One?
My laptop’s AC adapter crapped out last week, so this week I bought a tablet and truthfully it feels life changing. My work flow feels lighter. And lighter is a place I strive and long to be. Physically, mentally, emotionally…
I met someone and I would say he makes me happy, but I hate to give anyone that much power. But I am happy. And I love being with him. And I’m happy with him.
And it forces me to admit all the unhappiness I excused before him. And for why?
Back in February I’d reconnected with this tiny ginger demon who I’d convinced myself was my soul mate. If by soul mate I actually meant soulsucker then yes, he absolutely was that.
But it isn’t James Michael’s fault that I wanted what I couldn’t have, or that I chased emotionally unavailable men. I was a product of my upbringing and I needed to want to break the patterns. I had to reach my personal threshold of enough.
I’m embarrassed of myself, for how I built him up in my mind, and how I allowed myself to drink my own kool-aid and wear blinders where he was concerned. But that’s part of who I am and even though I think I will be less quick to make false allowances in the future, I do hope I never stop believing that people can be good, or that I can see the goodness in others.
I just have to be able to recognize their badness too, and see where the lines are, and know how far I can cross over into either aspect of another person and not lose my sight.
Also, I need to know when someone just doesn’t love me back. And when they’re literally just using my good energy to feed their flailing egos. Fucking yellow teethed ginger twat.
Back in March I’d reconnected with my older sister – who, I learned from my younger cousin, had just birthed a new baby in January.
My family situation is a situation in that I don’t speak to my immediates. My older brother is judgemental and unsupportive. My mother is abusive and demented. My sister is a pathological liar, and my father is an alcoholic misogynist who should be shot sooner rather than later.
I distanced myself from them years ago but every now and again one or the other will try and find a way to reach me, for any reason, but mostly I suspect just to prove that they can.
This time though, it was me. I reached out. I felt embarrassed that my cousin was telling me that my sister had just had a baby. I felt the guilt that only a baby can give you. The guilt that you are a petty, selfish, egomaniac who has chosen to float through an unforgiving and destructive world alone when you have a family, who though imperfect is still yours and probably stills love you. The guilt that this pure innocent new soul will never know you, but only the stories of some phantom bitch of an aunt who could never be bothered to look past her own childhood and find a way to enrich another’s.
You know, that baby guilt.
So anyway. I reached out, and we spoke, and we were honest and we were gentle. And it was nice. But sure as the seasons change, some people never do. And if prodded and provoked, and pressured, and pushed, and pestered just enough I will predictably, and proudly flip the switch.
And just like that my sister and I are done. Again. Maybe, probably, more than likely forever this time. Because just like James Michael she is not the person I want to believe, imagine and project on her to be. And no matter how much I want it I can not make her be. And no matter how much time passes or how much we may care for and miss one another I am never going to be the person she would like me to be. And we are both scarred, stubborn, and strong enough to endure the chasm.
This is life.
My sister is a beautiful and incredible mother and her children are truly blessed. I wish she could have been my mother because she has always been a shit fucking crap dumpster fire of an older sister, and one I clearly could have done without.
Anyway, I thought in the shower today that I have got to let the past go, and all that negative energy that holding on to anger and resentment builds. I can let the weight off now. I have to. I want to. It’s time.