I know this sounds immature, unrealistic even, but I’ve learned that when a thing no longer feels good or right you have to let it go.
Sometimes temporarily, sometimes forever. And especially when it pertains to men.
My latest dream was full full full of men; all but one of my lovers from Bali. At first one of them – H – was being a real drag (read: cock block and creep) and following me around while I was out with another (S) who I really liked.
It was just like the night H came out to Seminyak with my housemates, my cousin and I. This was just after I told him we should stop sleeping together. I’d picked up a young English guy and glued myself to him, smooching all night. From that night on, and every time I saw him after, H had this inauthentic, over-eager and hyper-interested vibe. It was like he couldn’t ever believe he was really seeing me. He suddenly wanted to know everything, and chat it up all the
Like he hadn’t known I existed or something, that I was a sexual creature, that I could pick and choose who I fucked.
What really annoyed me about him/the situation was that we could have had a very fine fwb if he could have managed the friend part. I enjoyed the afternoons we spent together – NOT fucking – just chain smoking and listening to music and talking about life, family, former lovers, and the magic of Bali.
I enjoyed the friendship that could have been.
But that God damn misplaced Australian arrogance had him believing and acting like I was hard up for him and he insisted on blowing me off, just a little bit too often.
When I finally told him “so yeah I’m seeing someone I really like so we probably shouldn’t have sex anymore,” he suddenly wanted to message me, and drop by, and chat it up all. the. time.
And it’s just like you literally had your chance to get to know me for two months. Please exit through the gift shop. The tour is over now.
But back to the dream yeah. So I’m out with S and we’re headed from Las Vegas to DC, on a chartered plane. And H is there. He’s also booked a ticket on this plane that makes several stops. And he’s being over-hyper-fake-interested in both of us. And I wish he would just stop. But S was being super chill and nice about it bc his manners were too good to tell H to “buzz off, bro.”
The super annoying part came when he slept through his stop and so wound up tagging along with us to DC.
Eventually we lose H, and later O shows up from out of nowhere. We are all in an apartment in the UWS that’s understood to be mine (I WISH). There is this really subtle and childlike battle for my attention between O and S. They each take turns, excitedly telling and showing me things like little boys with a crush on their second grade teacher.
And you know we think sometimes we want all the attention and we want men to compete for us, but we forget they’re truly the more emotional gender and it isn’t actually cute when they start acting out.
But also it’s a dream so everyone here is just a representation of some facet of my subconscious wearing the images I’ve ascribed to them. And what I loathe about H could be the part of me that waits too late to get things done. And the way O and S were both vying for my attention/approval/engagement is literally exactly me IRL wanting to impress EVERYONE with just how clever and cute and intriguing I am (spoiler alert: i am not).
Cool. Moving on.
So the boys are being needy and feeling neglected (a forever mood of mine, tbh) because I can not possibly pour down all that concentrated Ruth focus and love on two people at the same time. And S begins to get really moody, which okay, maybe I do wish he would irl, because sometimes you want to know you’re a favorite, not just when/after someone else comes along.
Because if I have to get someone else’s attention for you to show a feeling then it’s about your ego, and I may as well be anyone. Much like a character in a dream, where it’s all about my ego…
Anyway, we go outside for a cigarette and I would say we talked a bit but we didn’t because he was brooding. And here’s a kicker – I usually can’t with that sulking crap. It doesn’t work on me and I don’t care about whatever you’re not using your words over. But in the dream I was calm and understanding, and just being present with him while he moped. It’s almost you know, like I like him the most or something. 🙄
Then we go to the convenience store, and S catches a real mood and storms out because I’m picking up something O asked me to get for him. At this point I’m finally over it bc if S didn’t already understand where he stood with me I couldn’t get more clear.
Then for no good reason, other than that’s just how the subconscious rolls – Tony shows up, as Colombo: in a trench coat, disheveled, and gratingly annoying. And he’s pestering me for attention to help him find some product for his ails. He is an old man after all.
And at first I go along and help. But then it doesn’t stop. He needs this, can I get him that, he’s whining and complaining and harshing my vibez all the way and I stop in the middle of the store and I’m just like “Tony do you ever even think ‘I wonder how Ruth is doing? Is she feeling okay?’ Do you ever stop to think about anyone else’s feelings?”
This is a cute line because if we’re being real it’s probably me who is mega-self-absorbed in my relationships. Even if/when it looks like I’m taking care of you, or presenting like a charming lady I’m only doing it for my benefit, for my end goal.
I said something else I can’t remember now, just one line. But apparently the zinger. And Colombo Tony shuffles out of the store, and I wake up.
SO this dream was fun and interesting in that it’s got two of my older lovers and two of my younger lovers, and two of my favorite lovers and two of my least favorite lovers – and I don’t mean in bed. Because the truth of it is Tony was my favorite in bed, but he was a horrible person to me and I should have never made the mistake of spending any time at all with him. The only reason I put his name up is because I don’t have one ounce of niceness toward him where I’d want to protect him from embarrassment.
H – was my least favorite in bed and second least fave in personality. I don’t know. I don’t hate him. He had/has his own issues but it was really telling that one of them got revealed to me only after the fact, after I told him I was seeing someone (O) and we couldn’t have sex anymore. And ultimately that was the thing that annoyed me the most, finding out a bit of relevant truth months later. Finding out that your relationship to me and your perception of me were already marked by something far outside of my control (and knowledge) is a little disconcerting. It wasn’t a huge deal, I’m tolerant of a lot but that info would have been better shared beforehand.
I think all of us has our own complexes and is engaged in whatever level of psychological game play with one another. But I would have preferred the heads up to make the decision for myself whether or not to engage in his crap. I would have probably made the same choices.
Anyway, what this dream taught me is that I need a break from men. They take up way too much of my mind. They always have. I mean I love love. I love sex. I love characters. We have been through this.
My own relationship to men, my own perception of them all seems very taxing, if that dream was any indication. I’m just not finding a real enjoyment and fulfillment from any of them. (Or if I do it’s wild short-lived). It’s not as fun as it used to be, and for now I need to hit pause.
I say this now, but the truth is I’m right on schedule to bump into an attractive European with a melodic accent, and some distinct dental situation… literally any minute now.