Fighting Vulnerability 

I shut down when things are too hard.

It’s who I am now and it’s a little annoying because it feels weak, and I’m grossed out by feelings of weakness. 

I drank a little on the weekend and that felt a little weak. I blocked (read: blocked, then unblocked) two guys I sort of like on Monday evening because they’d both managed to disappoint me simultaneously and one’s bullshit sort of just pin-balled in my brain and reminded me of the other’s bullshit and the whole thing just reminded me of my absentee father and whatever kind of mutation it is that only ever attracts me to guys who probably would rather not… 

But then it’s like pity party my ass right because I live for the block.

 

I look for any possible opportunity to feel rejected and throw up a wall real quick to spare myself all that nauseating uneasiness of living inside a world of feelings. 

I woke up the next day feeling like something awful had just happened. 

Then, I rationalized to myself that men are a distraction and that’s all they’re ever going to be for me. And I went to the gym and reimagined myself in the next six years as some hard (physically, from working out) cold (emotionally, because omg fuck feelings!) specimen with an asymmetrical hair cut in high waisted black pants who worked for herself and made awesome killer digital products for creatives. 

And I never marry and I never fall. I just fuck men and throw them out. And I’m loaded and my body is killer. 

Because ultimately, lets be fucking real that is the only goal. 

But IRL…

 

Also, also my job is a major source of stress and anxiety tied to my pride and all sorts of feelings of inadequacy. But also, also ultimately is any environment right for me? Interacting with others in person repeatedly is daunting because of all these expectations and needs they have for you to make them feel at ease. Like you can’t ever be quiet. And if you do speak it better not be firmly, and if you do act you’d better not do it independently, and if there is a natural order of estrogen you’d better fit into that or you’re the one starting drama. 

And it’s like omfg can I just try to do my job? I do not want to engage with you. 

And other things that go on that you ignore. Like that maybe you one time (or maybe four times) had a UTI and probably now your left kidney hates you. Or that honestly, how can anyone be this tired all the time? Or can you actually drink with your friends and not blow (literally, up your nose)  $200? Or are you actually an addict so maybe even subbing weed for alcohol might could be problematic? 

And what’s with Craigslist limiting you to 3 posts in 24 hours? Omg how is anybody supposed to find anything there anymore? 

I’m just full of stress and I’m shutting down. I don’t feel good. I feel tired and insecure and not good. And it’s imobilizing. And I know I’ll bounce back because naturally that’s what one does. But right now I’m stuck and shutting down. 

And binge watching Grey’s. 

Post Originally Published: March 29th, 2017

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