Years ago I used to crush on a fuccboi, who may or may not have been highly functioning somewhere on the Spectrum. It was a rumor, the cruel kind, passed in jest, in private, by the most vile type of gossip – a cute, innocent-looking one.
Still, I loved him in my own way for a little while. He used to say something which really annoyed me though. Whenever I was venting, or we were in a passionate discussion about anything, he’d always revert to “nobody cares.”
I wasn’t so emotionally invested where I took it to heart that he didn’t care about what mattered to me. I always knew we were never going to have a real serious relationship. And I’m not the type to need deep, meaningful conversations about my feelings. (I just enjoyed his face, his energy, his vibe, his lustful, messy kisses, and his elusiveness.)
What bothered me about “nobody cares” was that it was his fallback – for everything. It bothered me that he could/would only examine a subject or situation to a point; where it reached inconsequential nothingness. And while, sure, there’s certain validity to nihilism I still prefer to exist, and explore life, inside the realm of possibility.
Unfortunately there’s also some painful truth to it.
I live in a perpetual state of getting my shit together. I am always here. And nobody cares.
I’m reconciling my unshakeable need for love, affection, and emotional and physical security with my trust issues and extreme need for control. I’m trying to work through my contempt and judgements for nearly every other human being alive so that I can maybe develop a successful business to maintain and elevate the lifestyle I’d like to be accustomed to.
Every single day is like a battle, bro.
And nobody cares. Nobody.
I like to think I’m ambitious and at times even driven. I can be passionate, and focused, and have a one-track mind when it comes to accomplishing my goals. But my goals aren’t anyone else’s priority; nor should they be. My dreams are mine alone.
And nobody cares.
I’m not trying to be all “Woe is me! No one has my back.” (Though, in most cases I’m a little too bold to evoke the kind of unwavering support I’d like.)
What I’m saying is that I’ve learned something, finally.
Sometimes I connect. Sometimes I don’t. Other people are a gamble. Even best friends don’t always get it. Even family can drop the ball, and rain down excuse after excuse. It’s okay. We’re human after all. (Except me. I’m half android/goddess)
Unfortunately, I still need people because no man is an island, etc; and sometimes they’re useful. I can’t just keep blocking everyone who doesn’t bend to my will (can’t I though?), or kill all my enemies either. * deep sigh *
But I can kill my expectations, and accept reality.