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Low Key, I’m A Fucking Disaster


Posted in: Personal Problems, Reflections Tags: , , , , , ,

 

 

Remember how in February I decided to clean up my act?

That lasted about three months. I’m now off the wagon, mentally right back where I was the week after Super Bowl, minus the screaming, crying outburst on Parson’s Blvd and God knows where with no cab in sight. Nope. This time I’m just numb on the surface, alternating between seething rage and immobilizing confusion and despair within.

There are some things you can’t put back in the box once you take them out. Like how you can’t unspill milk, or ever really perfectly glue a vase back together. Like if you say rape, or child molestation, or domestic violence, or if someone calls you a nigger. Once it’s out it’s out.

Addiction is like that.

If you say it. If you say you’re an addict. Or if you talk about it with someone. Or if you think about your drinking long and hard enough and where it takes it you and what it keeps you from, or how it makes you feel, or if you look at your father and what it made of him. You can’t just not be an addict anymore when you party every weekend even though you know you shouldn’t; when you go back to the same places with the same people, and make the same call, on the same Friday night cab ride; when you know that once you’re drunk this is exactly what’s going to unfold.

Or maybe you can. I don’t know. Maybe I can just not make the call. Maybe I should just start drinking until I fall asleep. Maybe I should just drink at home, by myself until I light a cigarette in bed.

I was talking with someone who said it’s okay to cry, and that just because I’m feeling bad doesn’t mean I’m broken or weak. 

And that is fine. And that is cute. 

But it doesn’t make me feel any less broken. And even if I do sometimes feel better after crying, like refreshed, or whatever that feeling is where you’re lighter after you cry – it’s still not going to make want to get into crying.

Crying and drinking are similar for me.

I can’t have just a little. If I’m not watching Grey’s Anatomy or some other campy screenwork, and I start to cry I’m likely to go on for a long time. And then I’ll wake up and be puffy in the face – same as drinking – and I usually don’t feel any better for having done it. 

Healing is hard work.

 


To Be Continued… 

 

Post Originally Published: November 16th, 2016

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