I had a good cry this morning, just before my 5-hour nap.
I realized the thing I need to do was probably going to be my own undoing.
When I was a cocky and indifferent teenager I once told my mother I was pretty sure I’d probably wind up dying for something I believed in. I don’t remember what exactly we were talking about, or why I was casual and confident in my own death sentence.
I recalled that moment today as I sat up in bed a little before 10am. I’d pulled an all nighter of reading, writing, and watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix (Season 8).
I’ve been spending the last few days pushing through this full moon in Aries, staying hydrated pre-period, and putting my brain back in two from a useless weekend of drinking-as-emotional-avoidance. I was weighing my lack of enthusiasm and fire toward fiction writing when I realized that my calling was calling.
It had been calling for a while. That’s how callings do; always with the calling.
I started to sob as I realized that a bunch of things I’d believed – or intuited – in my life had already come true. I knew that I’d already known, had always known what I had to do, that I was just putting it off and trying to control it.
I realized that once I stood on my path – once I started to free myself, started researching and writing about ways to help other people free themselves – then I was going to have to fully commit to the work like I really believed in it, with everything I had.
And it followed immediately that if I put all my faith and heart into the work, if I did it properly (according to the vision), and actually helped other people liberate themselves then it could/would probably kill me.
Because everyone knows that anyone in this world who really gives themselves away to what they believe, anyone who really tries to help others always dies.
I just had this moment where it was like I have to give all of myself if I’m going to fulfill my destiny, and it’s probably gonna lead to my death.
And then I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed because like I don’t want to die. But I also don’t want to not do this thing I was born to do, but also we were all born to die.
On one hand that’s really ambitious and self-important of me; to believe I could communicate with other people in a way that would change their lives, or change the world. Even the desire to want to do that is a little egotistical. Because does altruism even lift?
But playing devil’s advocate is starting to feel like a giant waste of time.
Why question a recurring feeling? Why over-analyze and play every angle in hypotheticals? So what if my view is a bit ambitious? So what if I want to do something incredible, magical, and seemingly slightly impossible?
So what if I want to feel great about myself? Amn’t I allowed to? Aren’t we all allowed to want to feel great about being alive and our lives’ work and our souls’ journey here on this planet (that we’re killing, ps)?
Isn’t that why we came? (Not to kill the planet)
If you believe in higher powers, and super-souls, wouldn’t it make more sense for them to want us to dream bigger? Are we really alive to be afraid and feel badly, to treat one another terribly, to argue with strangers on Twitter?
Death is my biggest fear.
For why, I don’t know. We’re all going to die. It’s the only constant. Maybe I have some deep-dark-heavy bad karma. Maybe I’m afraid of failing this life, and getting sent back to this dimension. Whatever, it’s normal. A lot of people are afraid of death.
Death is the ultimate fear, the only fear.
And all the doubts and questions that creep through my mind – about my writing, about my ability to convince anyone of anything, my ability to help anyone, or spread love, about the overall success rate of saving the environment or delivering world peace – are valid.
But doubts are only valid in-so-far-as they push us to make choices and take actions. Do you choose to live in fear? Or do we choose to dismiss our doubts and live in our truths?
Because when you think of it, all the doubts and questions that keep us trapped in fear are just a giant so-fucking-what if we’re all going to die anyway.
So it doesn’t matter if everyone I’ve ever tried to “help” is out of my life, or if no one I’ve ever had sex, or fallen in love with seems to believe in God when God is literally all I’ve been looking for since I got here, or if it was never intended to be peace on earth, or if this place is actually the purgatory.
The good news is all fear (and doubt) is not only invisibile, but also pointless to indulge since our physical lives are defined by impermanence!
Emotions FFS 🙄
Doubt and fear are just another pair of feelings on the entire spectrum of emotional responses. Feelings. Great, cool, these guys again.
I’ve been crying pretty regularly, every month regardless of my menstrual cycle since March. And for a variety of reasons. Lately I have become overwhelmed with Love. In the worst and best possible ways. Because now I know Love is real – so that’s cute. But I also know that everything here is impermanence. So that’s frustrating.
Because you can’t hold Love in your hands.
You can touch people and hug them and kiss them, but after they’re gone you can only feel Love inside you, and sometimes it is truly too much to contain and it just pours out of your eyes even when you’re not actually sad about anything.
And I’m starting to feel like if I’m just going to be this person now, this person who is walking around looking at the sky and crying because she’s happy and a sunset is beautiful, can I do something with that? Because it’s obvious that all these emotions and notions aren’t going to leave me no matter how much I try to ignore them, or outrun them.
So it’s like what do I do with them? How do I cycle through whatever’s going on inside me
A L L . O F . T H E . T I M E in a way that it’s most aligned with what I’m here to do?
And without saying I’m here to battle the devil (okay, but maybe I am actually tho) at the very least couldn’t it be possible that I’m here to simply spread Love and Light wherever and however I can?
Especially considering the feels are constantly rolling around and pouring out of me anyway…
It’s like everything else; I always knew it. I always knew that I could make people feel better. And I always knew that nothing fires me up more than people hurting one another, or letting themselves be hurt. I’ve always known my gift was words. So this is just how it’s going to go.
I’m just going to write these things about good love vibes and not giving into fear, and not letting your doubts consume you, not giving the devil anymore of your time and that’s just all there is to it. I’m just going to go full-on woo-woo and tap into my high powers, and cultivate all my mania (read: excess energy) that I try to fuck, dance, run, smoke and drink out of me and channel it into creating a force-field of rainbow cotton candy love around everybody, or something to that effect.
I’m just going to lean into my magic and see what happens.
People like to ask me how I stay positive. They seem to think I have something sorted out already that they can’t also sort out. I just know that I’m afraid all the time. I get so overwhelmed with love and emotion because I’m so terrified of dying and not being able to remember the sunset, or the smell of a lover’s armit, or the safety of an aunt’s sofa.
I’m literally so afraid of dying that I can’t be fucked enough to let doubt stall my life.
And you know I wanted to share my bit about crying this morning over my fears that writing about spreading Love vibes in a somewhat demonic world (literally, are you even looking? bc they’re busy, mate) would get me killed because I’m completely aware of how absurd and ridiculous it could sound to anyone else.
So what if other people think I’m nuts? Isn’t that just projection anyway?
Not my bag to hold.
I’m not going to be afraid of what other people think.
I’m not going to be afraid of anything anymore.
Isn’t our fear just so humongous, running around inside our tiny 7lb head? Doesn’t it just take up all of the room? And cloud over everything good we believe and want?
Why do we keep letting it do that?
What happens when you admit your fear to yourself? Say it out loud even? When you put your fears out there – outside of yourself? It shrinks back to size: invisible reminders of your limited time to enjoy life. Nothing you’re afraid of can steal your joy at being alive.
That is all.