There are so many things going on inside each of us all the time, you know?
We’re hiding, and putting on, and stressing out, and plotting, hoping, wishing, and denying. Working toward some version of truth that can bring us peace. All of the time.
It had it’s moments. I didn’t die. I stayed out of jail. I actualized a new reality for myself when I left waitressing behind, and tried being sober and cleansing my blood with spinach, fruits, and acidic things.
I stumbled, and fell a few times there. I toyed with going back to service. My new job is a challenge. Everyday tests me as I recalibrate my skill-set. I got wrecked and sent texts that didn’t need to be sent, and had sex I definitely should not have had.
But okay, so what? I’m human. Changing is hard, and reverting to familiar old habits is easy.
And if I stay there too long I will drown. Overall I want to be a happy person. I want to be the person most people believe I am, because when she’s on that light shines bright AF.
It’s been hard.
A lot of the times I feel like no one even knows the half, and I feel like no one really cares to either. Which is fine. I’m learning that now.
My issues with approval and reciprocation, and loyalty and trust are my issues. And my Light is My Light.
I don’t need to get it back when I give it because first of all, I’m unmatchable so… And secondly, if I’ve learned anything – ever – it’s that I bounce back. And not because anyone approved of, or loved me into bouncing back.
Life is hard. People are bad. People give up, people give in. People lie to each other and themselves. But good god almighty that’s not my problem anymore. It never actually was, but I had to work through that on my own.
Discomfort, I’m realizing, is par for the course. Difficult people, abrasive people, impenetrable gorgeous men, evasive and super compatible air sign lovers, fake friends, gossips, jealous girls, grown and jealous women, insecure stumpy former bosses, lying stealing ex-roomates, absent fathers, abusive mothers, clueless siblings, abandonment, and betrayal: it all had to happen.
I could not have grown without the discomfort of the tales which make my story. It’s cliche and it’s a colorful bandaid over my still very visible scars. But so what? The wounds escaped infection, they are closed now. And that’s a releif!
I’m not ruined. Everything is not lost. I might have already forgiven everyone who hurt me, but I’m still not completely sure what the other side of forgiveness means for me or those relationships. (People have a natural tendency to expect things from one another, and I’m just not certain my forgiveness requires extra deliverance.)
Forgiveness has been a big challenge for me for a long time. I simply couldn’t wrap my brain around it. Logistically. Like how does one go about forgiving? Step 1… You know?
But then it just became a matter of wow, this rage inside me is spinning and shaking and has no clear exit and no real purpose. And I was just like, wow this is pointless. Which you can read about here.
I am just so not ready to stop being one. I can’t. I have an addictive personality, okay and by god I need to be able to embellish my fantasies, and hope and day dream in the 90s movie magic softness around the edges. I fucking need it.
So, I’m going to keep an eye out (or rather, in) on myself. I’m going to mind my boundaries, make sure I’m not shining my light too brightly on the blind. I’m also going to try and be a little more discerning of the frog prince fuccbois I’m always drawn to. A lot of the times they want the kiss, but they don’t actually want to be transformed.
I was speaking with one of those flighty, super compatible air signs a few weeks back and he mentioned – in regards to my breakthrough – that it was important I make notes and reminders so I don’t forget the lesson, and lose my progress. That was cute and v sweet of him and I wish he didn’t see me or himself as these fractured things no one can go near, but that’s off topic and my new boundaries prohibit me from making excuses to love people who don’t want my love; from chasing rabbits, if you will.
The good news is I’m a writer who’s writing again so I’ll have plenty of space to put down these wonderful discoveries as I #LEVELUP2017.