On Stubbornness & The Discomfort of Love.
I’m completely enamored by, and preoccupied with Love.
Anyone who’s met me knows this. In its simplest form my obsession relies on Love being the reason we’re alive. It is the cause for, and meaning behind all our actions and creations.
To experience and share Love is the sole/soul purpose of humanity.
So, I get a little caught up in the romantic aspect. Okay, a lot caught up.
Infatuation and sex aside, I’m learning that Love is a challenge in endurance and flexibility. It’s not always easy, despite the instantaneous and lingering high it may give off. Love requires a constant refueling as it pushes outside of our egos.
A few months ago I was talking to someone about a falling out I’d had with a friend. I missed my friend, and I wanted to “get back together” so to speak. But, I mused, making up after a break-up hardly ever lasts; the scarred tissue of the past fall-out always adds a layer of caution and reservedness to what once was magical and natural.
How often a reunion is marred by the reality that things will never be the same…
And who’s to say things will be better the second time around?
I certainly have no track record for it.
In ways our separation was my fault. In ways it was no one’s fault, just an occurrence of circumstance. The wind and my own karma had blown me emotionally off center and I adjusted the only way I really know how: by packing my things and moving.
I don’t regret the move. I do regret the haste and cowardice that came with it. I regret that I hurt someone I cared about by my own selfishness. I regret that it’s not the first time I’ve done something exactly like this.
I think it’s important to always do what’s right for you first.
Because we can only really give goodness out to the world when we are at our best. So our individual priority should always be to operate at our peak emotional, and mental abilities. I believe starting there we can manifest all types of positive changes in the physical, and in relation to others.
So I did what was right for me, and I don’t regret that. But I also know I could have done it with more compassion, and without running away like a child.
It has bothered me for months that I fell out with this friend. It bothered me because I didn’t know how to fix it without feeling and sounding sanctimonious and self-important.
There is always a level of pride involved in every resolution.
If you want to make up with someone most of that is fueled by your emotional needs. Because we leave an impact on one another. And when someone makes an impression on you that you like, you don’t want to lose that feeling, that connection.
How do you repair a relationship that you broke?
How do you swallow your pride and speak from the heart? Not everyone enjoys being fearlessly honest, or knows how.
Fortunately, I enjoy being honest. I enjoy dropping truths on people, no matter how messy or inconvenient. I can handle the truth too, even when it hurts. Lies hurt much worse.
However, even when I am honest I still struggle to convince people of my sincerity. Especially where emotions are concerned. I come off very detached (typical Aqua) and I think people read that as being insincere. It’s just how I talk. I like to express myself clearly. It doesn’t mean I’m faking. It’s just the best I can do.
Anyway, I held off on reaching out to this friend again because my first apology was shot down. And I’ve been through friendships that break, and reunite, then break again. These hurt me more than any love affair or tryst because I always expect men to come and go, so I don’t put nearly as much emotional honesty into my love affairs as I do into friendships.
I was afraid to try again because I didn’t want to get shot down again. And also because I don’t want the friendship to break again.
And isn’t that just the difficulty of Love?
You want it. You get it. But to keep it going and growing you have to be willing to risk losing it. You have to be willing to understand the other person. You have to be willing to go through hard times, accepting that they are inevitable. And you have to be open to finding ways to come back together after the difficult parts.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my relationships with different people – flings, friends, family, business associates. I’ve been defensive, overly-aggressive, proud, and stubborn. Some of those mistakes I don’t care enough to fix, and that’s just calling a spade a spade.
But some of those mistakes can never be fixed because the people I hurt are now dead. And that kick in the in the teeth is devastating and dramatic in the worst way.
You know what the ego really doesn’t deal well with?
I did finally text my friend, to wish her a belated birthday. I was not rejected.
After five and a half months I finally got my iphone motherboard repaired. I’d held onto this phone, waiting until I had the money to fix it because I am stubborn, and primarily for the retrieval of this photo:
On my phone there were also a couple hundred other photos that hadn’t been backed up, videos of my friend, and my contacts on Whatsapp that I didn’t want to lose. In this instance my stubbornness served me well. Five months is a long time to go without a phone, but it was good for me to be more present and social in real life. It was also good to be without those photos and vidoes for a while because I now have more appreciation for the memories, and the laughter they captured.
I believe Love is meant to be ever-expanding, like the Universe, like the metaphorical staircases of knowledge.
The catch is that to believe in an infinite, perpetually growing Love energy, to live like we believe in that kind of Love then we have to own our participation in cultivating or diminishing it.
It requires knowing how and when to be stubborn, and when to brave the disposal of your pride.
I think stubbornness can be a good thing, if you are being stubborn for a good reason and not out of pride. I think if you want to be stubborn you should be stubborn in Love, in faith, in your willingness to learn and to grow. We should want to be stubborn for truth, stubborn for progress.
In that way I hope I never stop being stubborn.