RUTH NINEKE

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I Can Go Out Further

Real life is nothing
like I thought it’d be.
Everyday I am so sad.

All the weekdays blur
into one another.
And I’m always so exhausted,
or sad.
I don’t know where my passion went.
Pretending to be happy is tiring.
There is no easy way out of my life.

Not suicidal.
That phase of my depression has long
since passed.
Just v v tired.

I keep looking for something to do,
something to love and throw myself
head long into.

Life is me
floating
in barely three feet of Bali ocean
when I know I can’t swim.

It is nothing.
I can go out further.

But there is
an unknowable line,
after which
an uncontrollable force
begins to pull,
from where
I will be unable to remove myself,
if I should go
too far.

And when I even remotely sense
proximity
to this line
I flip about furiously,
scraping my knees
against the very close and
very safe,
basic, and eternally mocking
ocean floor.

 

 

Copyright © 2017

 

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