You’re Welcome

When I think of you sometimes it hurts
Terribly, actually
Because I can see your face, and hear your voice
And examine exactly the way your breath releases from your nostrils when you’ve spoken quickly, inhaled through, and shut your mouth

I can feel you too, your weight on top of mine
Your tongue inside my mouth, your lips against my ear as you tell me I’m beautiful
And I’m overcome with both desire
And grief

This torment is beneath me
How my body twists and turns against itself, and in my sheets, against this bed
On one side my back, tiny prayer lanterns set adrift upon its base
Where your palms should be
Gliding around me

But you are not here
You can’t come here
You won’t be near me for these reasons
That kill me
It feels like I’ve waited for you for so long
Like I’ve tortured myself enough, wandered about dazed, hypnotized, blinded
And then you were there

Everything I thought I ever wanted
So painfully good
So pure and imperfect and honest and kind
So handsome and virile
And brutally, obviously incapable of being mine

That would be enough
Usually, I think
If I could dispel you, the memory of your touch, the sound of your voice
The feel of you like this gigantic missing piece to the gaping wide hole in me
I just can’t ignore how much it hurts to love a ghost who’s still alive
What it feels like to want, to know your need, and be forced into denial

When I think of you, while I’m working
Or writing, or trying to sleep, or pressing my hair, or lining my eyes
When I recall and can sense the feel of your face between my thighs, your breath at my core
Suddenly my neck’s twitching, and I’m fighting against the fatalist tears of my inner petulance, my fury and rage, my decades long penance of rejection, my selfishness, my impurity, my pain
All of these things
Wrapped up in me wrapped up in you so that even the memory of our sex is a nightmare I can’t escape
And I wonder how long this will take

When will you come around
When will I come down, back to earth
When will all of this be worth something?
When won’t love hurt?


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