A couple of days ago I woke up in a foul mood. I’d gone bed grumpy. I’d left work the night before annoyed with a table, and naturally exhausted from PMS. So by the time I woke up an hour before noon, which is now sleeping in for me, I was half-tempted to just stay in bed and surrender my day to watching movies in my pajamas, and waiting for some scene to inspire a mood change.
Half tempted. I knew better than that though. I had goals for the year, plans for the next few months which demanded a consistent effort on my part to choose to change my habits.
I had to get out of bed, do yoga, meditate, and write for two hours. No matter how mad I was for no reason, or how inexplicably bad I was feeling, I had to get up (like Bambi).
So I did some yoga. I gave it ten minutes before I realized that wasn’t happening. I sat down and closed my eyes for mediation, but my breathing was not helping me still my mind. I didn’t make it ten minutes, but I did make the effort.
By the time I actually began writing it was a quarter to one. I finished around 4:30, and while I felt substantially less volatile I was still off. I figured omaybe now that I’d done what I’d woken up to do I should probably attempt yoga again. After that went well I kept the vibes up by doing 30 minutes of cardio. By the time that was done I felt like 4 millions bucks!
Feeling better about myself afforded me the clarity to face what it was that had been eating me up in recent days – outside of the intensity of my menstrual cycle. By committing to this path of self-improvement, attempting to be more productive, and subsequently more successful (by my own standards) this year than I was last year, I’ve stripped myself of the delusion that my life was all right, that I’m doing good, that I’m satisfied with myself.
Now that I’m attempting to practice mindfulness and awareness, and seeking knowledge and understanding I’ve placed myself bare in the starkest possible light. I can see what’s admirable about myself when it’s reflected back to me through others as I attract and am attracted to them. Similarly, I am able to see what is most abhorrent about myself when I witness in it others, whereas I was previously – and intentionally – ignorant to it.
Because I didn’t give up before I gave yesterday my best shot I was able to breakthrough a funk, and learn something. The results of my writing and work out are the bonuses I get for pushing through until I got to the bottom of my bad mood’s lesson.
I also learned that breaking habits is hard, and so is choosing to become different than I was in the past. This whole growth/self-discovery bag is not all bright colors and golden studs. But I think I’ll hold onto it just the same.