The Worst Feeling

I found out yesterday that someone I loved very dearly has been dead for almost a year. I’m absolutely gutted. I just came off a week long bender and somewhere in the middle of it had been trying furiously to get a hold of Josh. There was something between us that understood the allure of the abyss, of the familiarity of pain.

I keep waiting for it to be a joke that he’s dead. But I know he’d never play with me like that. I know he’d always respond to my messages no matter how annoyed he’d become with my theatrics or my feigned dismissals. It hurts so terribly to think I was ever cruel or flippant with him.

He was such a god and if or never told him that, that I’d failed ever to give him his praise disgraces me. I don’t know that I’ll ever meet another Josh, or another Brenner. I don’t know if I’ll ever be lucky enough to know such greatness and loyalty as I’d found in those two ever again. But I do know I wont settle for less ever again. And I won’t cower away from the best love of my life again either.

Life is too fleeting and too painful on it’s own not go with your heart, not to hunt for and protect your happiness. Everything else is bullshit and I wasn’t born to just take it and die. And Josh wouldn’t want me to.

Post Originally Published: February 12th, 2016

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