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Troll That Bitch


Posted in: Journals, Personal Problems, Reflections Tags:

 

 

You guys, hello. I am in a very deep and overwhelming and stimulating spiritual battle with myself and the world. 

Remember how when I was in Bali, having feelings inside the ocean? Crying over lost loves and the preemptive loss of family that my mother’s mental illness placed on me?

I now feel the opposite of whatever that was. 

I’m not saying I’m ready to have kids, but bitch, I might be. I more feel like the opposite of vulnerable and weak. I now feel like I’ve faced my fears and I live with them everyday: loss, abandonment, death. I keep their reminders where I can always see them and never forget.

Within one week of my return from Bali I was offered four jobs, accepted two, found a new roommate, went running three times, and managed to get into fights with three overly emotional people; two Scorpios and one Pisces.

To be completely honest I expect more from Pisces women. While I believe they’re deep feeling and mystical, and I respect their endurance and patience for others I don’t tolerate back and forth and inconsistencies from anyone.

One of the Scorpios told me that not everything in the world revolves around me, but let’s be real – in my world everything does revolve around me. You either get on the ride and hold on, or you get off and I don’t look back. 

I learned two things very early. 

I learned that people fucking LOVE me. I was one of those little girls. It went to my head and it stayed there and now I’m 33 and if you’re not giving me what I want then what you’re giving me is a headache. 

The other thing I learned was violence and verbal abuse. It’s my mother’s speciality and I picked it up as well. I do my absolute very best not to use either if I can help it. I’m alot better than I was seven years ago so slow clap for me and thank your stars you weren’t there for it. 

Basically my brain now operates at two speeds. Either you adore me and give me what I want most of the time, thus molding me into someone who will be reasonable and understanding with you. Or you fail to give me what I want, thus producing headaches in my life, thus being banished. 

Banishment is usually followed by my victims accusing me of being mean, cold hearted, judgmental. They say things like I think I’m soo much better than everyone else (it’s called confidence, cultivate some), that I make people unhappy, that I’m always switching on people, and like my ex-Scorpio lover said on Sunday that I’m a real bitch sometimes. 

Like I said, get on the ride and hold on, or get off.

I was already as far in my feels as I’m going to go. I was there for four weeks in the ocean, alone with myself and my past and my trauma and my pain for the better half of one month. I’ve gone about as deep as I’m willing to venture this year. 

And speaking as a hippy dippy doo, lightweight stoner, tree whisperer who envisions her guardian angel with very little provocation, just because I want everything to be light and love and I cry seven minutes into Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t mean I’m simply going to let anybody siphon my good energy – blood, business or dick related. 

People keep telling me I’m cold and heartless and will wind up alone, and I’m just here like “oh, God, do you promise?”

But then again, there is the chance I am creating all of this turbulence because I really really don’t want to be alone. 

Because I am really just so mushy that I need constant proof of loyalty and affection, to the point that no proof will ever suffice. So I create the drama. I provoke others. I play on their emotions and push them to their breaking points just to watch them fall apart to make myself feel superior inside my ivory tower. 

And even further than this level of game playing is the possibility that every battle with others is actually a battle with the self.

And even though on the surface I look really compassionate and big hearted and inquisitive and introspective, on the inside, layers deep in my subconscious I am a fucking night terror of a human who pulls tenderonis toward me with my charming and sparkling facade because I am trying to kill the tenderoni inside me. So I draw this reflections of myself into my life. And then I absolutely demolish the relationship any way I possibly can. 

It’s deep. 

 

Post Originally Published: November 9th, 2017

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