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Weekend Reflections: Choices

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I have been in a strange emotional place for the better part of two weeks. Or, more accurately, if we’re being honest, the better part of my life.

Expectations I had of other people, of circumstances have gone bust. Reality shred my fickle fantasies to indiscriminate specks, and my more foolish hopes have flopped stupidly upon the shores of my delusion.

After licking my largely self-induced wounds I’ve decided to change directions.

Grief is so annoying. You think you’ve cried your last bit for the day. You think binge watching Chicago PD and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is adequately numbing you, and then you get out of bed and dress, and gather the laundry, and just as your shoes are on you’re flooded by the fact that you will never see him again.

You will never have a 3AM phone conversation until sunrise and exhaustion with one of the most dynamic, intelligent, and genuinely loving people you know.

And then you’re in crumples on the bed sheets, sobbing into your comforter piled high upon your pillows and it only feels worse because you remember how large and sturdy and warm and encompassing his embrace was, and this is where you are now… in bed, alone, grieving and guilty because you took one of your best friends for granted.

Something has happened to me. I’ve quit drinking and (aside from that no one believes me) the most annoying part of “sobriety” is not knowing what to do with myself to pass the time.

The easy solution is to write, but writing has never been just that simple. On the bright side, bits of dialogue are coming to me, here and there. The relationship dynamics between my more important characters (Linden and Marty; Erica and Tommy) are taking definitive shape.

As far as clarity of mind I’m pretty sure that coming off the drink permanently is probably the wisest creative decision I’ve ever made.

I’ve been unhappy for a long, long while, and I’m the only one who actually really knew that all along. I don’t know how or when I’ll find my joy again. I’m in pain right now – like in it – but the twisted silver lining is that nothing lasts forever. I’m self aware enough to know I will emerge from this funk. But I also feel very demanding of my next evolution. I don’t want to come out of this grief fog only to step back into my same old life. I need something else.

I don’t know whether I’ll love my friends more, or show it less so as to hurt less, and prevent future loss. I don’t know how things will look on the other side of right now. I just know I need different and I have to make different choices to get different outcomes.

That’s literally all that I’ve got.

Post Originally Published: February 22nd, 2016

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