And here I am – aware of both my inclination to isolate myself, and my predisposition toward romanticizing people and my own inevitable fall into despair.
But some things are true.
First, I’m not completely romanticizing him.
He is – superficially, sexually, and spiritually – what I really like in a person. Whether or not he considers himself spiritual, he’s on the level.
He’s just a genuine, sweet, compassionate, and truly connected human being. He’s also a total fucking babe, and a giver in bed.
So now I’m in a state because he’s reached this level of emotional detachment that surpasses my pretense.
I stay away from people out of self-preservation and protection because I actually crave companionship, and connection, loyalty, safety, endurance, emotional refuge, and permanence.
And here he is, seemingly somehow above all that. It’s like he knows better than to want those things because he knows they can’t exist. So instead of lamenting, he embraces people, happily and easily. He willingly forms connections that he knows won’t last and he manages to seemingly and perfectly enjoy the present.
I’m both envious and furious because in the end it’s me who’s going to hurt when he’s gone. Because I don’t know how to love in the now, how to enjoy what is for what it is.
And you know I swear I never mean to fall in love, except that of course I always do.
Aside from earning money, love is all that occupies me. I just want to know what and how it is that makes people bonded and committed to one another.
I suppose, fundamentally I want to know how to make myself bondable because I’ve felt alone and unlovable so long that I just want to fix.
I’ve been crying intermittently now for two weeks and it’s his fault, and it’s not.
I just feel so much about him. I feel like he is this person, this magical being/soul/energy that I was always looking for.
Like he’s got God inside of him and there’s so much I could learn from him about how to be a better human and how to love, and I just want him so much.
I just don’t want to not have him in my life.
But then it’s like that’s also the God lesson: To take the most from the present, and not cling to impermanent things; to just live now and love always, and to – as best as I can – really, really detach.
It’s a lot of “ah, feck.” But if I can figure it out that would be nice to stop crying.
I realize now, that to love someone is to truly accept them, their beliefs, desires, and their constitutions as they are, and not as they could be in relation to one’s own desires or expectations.
And so I love him in that way. And I am overcome with all this positive emotion, these recurring tears of happiness, whenever I think of him and all he’s unintentionally taught me and shown me in this short time. I am overcome by his goodness and his light.